It's never easy for me to admit when I have failed. I have failed again and it took me a while to even figure out where I had gone wrong.
Nights are hard now, finding enough relief from pain to sleep is the main goal of every night. Several times in the last few weeks I have been able to fall asleep only to be awakened by loud music being blared by either neighboring apartments or cars blasting tunes. I have felt angry, frustrated and helpless to do anything about the situation. Last night it happened again. I lay there feeling angrier and angrier. I knew I was going to have trouble falling back to sleep. When I can't sleep I usually spend the time praying. I feel then at least the time awake is put to good use.
Last night I shifted around until I was fairly comfortable and started to pray. Well, I guess it would be more accurate to say I tried to pray. I knew my heart wasn't in it so I tried to figure out what was wrong. I was still feeling anger at those who had woken me from a hard won sleep.
In a moment of clarity I realized I wasn't even trying to love my neighbor at that point. I was holding on to bitter feelings and even worse, I felt justified to do so. It is not as though I don't feel they bear the blame for being rude, but that does not negate my need to forgive them. Whether they seek my forgiveness or not, I am bound by God's command to do so. As I was laying there asking God to give me the desire to forgive them I realized something else I had forgotten. I forgot that the person who woke me is a creation of God's. He has God's fingerprints all over Him and that is reason enough for me to love him.
Thankfully God forgives much better than I do and He gifted me with the desire to forgive the ones I felt had offended me. Right now there is someone outside blasting their bass. It is reminding me that God loves me even when I fail and He will give me whatever I need to share His love with others.
Glad to know that falling short never takes me out of His love,