Too hard

The past couple of weeks are some I'd like not to repeat. It's such a mish mash of things I am uncertain where to begin. I got a call from a friend asking for prayer for one of her students. He had attempted suicide. She is a great teacher who goes above and beyond for her students. She stays after school at least four days a week to lead some sort of extracurricular activity for these kids. She cares deeply for each of them.

Another friend called to say her Dad had been placed in home hospice care. She needed a friend for venting and advice. It is hard to face the loss of a parent. Even though you know it is likely at some point in your life, there really is no adequate preparation. I mostly listened and offered some advice I have used in the years I have done hospice care. I was blessed to be with both of my grandfathers in the hours preceding their death. While it may not seem so, there is comfort to be found at such a time. Especially if you know you will be seeing someone again in Heaven someday. She called today to let me know her father had gone. She had been there for him, her mother, her sister and herself. Instead of being inconsolable she expressed joy at having been there when it happened.

I feel deeply the hurt of those around me. I am better able to help them by leaving myself open to their pain. This is how I function and I am uncertain I would change even if I could. Shutting yourself off from feelings will get rid of the bad stuff we all have to face, but it would also deny all the good things. I wouldn't want to risk that. The only downside to being this way is how it affects me.

Yet another person called last week to let me know he/she is having some major health problems. As he/she wishes it to remain unknown I couldn't pass along this concern to any of my prayer partners save to say someone I love needed prayer. This is even now hard to write about because I care so deeply for this person. When I feel challenged I reach out to a few close friends and lean hard on their support. The one huge drawback to being single is the lack of an available helper. Someone to be a sounding board when you just need to talk it out. This is perhaps why I depend so heavily on friends. Having that avenue closed on this issue has been the most difficult part of the last days.

Unfortunately all this played havoc with my arthritis and migraines. Autoimmune diseases are very susceptible to the host's state of mind. They like to attack when you are down.

I have spent much of the last week in long periods of prayer. My problems in getting through this time have nothing to do with the power of God to heal my wounds. They have everything to do with my not letting him do so. I hope I can learn from this very uncomfortable object lesson. I need to "let go and let God". Although I am extremely hard headed, I think I finally let the message get through. Learn from my stupidity and don't follow my example.