As I was sitting in the chapel tonight for Maundy Thursday service a myriad of thoughts wandered through my mind as I was meditating. I felt the memories of the past year come forward for review. I want to share them with you now.
On Wednesday we had the last session of Lent in the Living room. There were many great moments in the sessions and much support from the class members. The thing that made the biggest impact on me was when I was reading through one of the scripture passages. The difficulty of a rich person getting into heaven is in Matthew 19, and verse 26 hit me hard.
23 As he watched him go, Jesus told his disciples, "Do you have any idea how difficult it is for the rich to enter God's kingdom? 24 Let me tell you, it's easier to gallop a camel through a needless eye than for the rich to enter God's kingdom."
25 The disciples were staggered. "Then who has any chance at all?"
26 Jesus looked hard at them and said, "No chance at all if you think you can pull it off yourself. Every chance in the world if you trust God to do it."
-The Message
The moment I read that it was if I had never read that passage before. These past few months have been agony and I have relied on asking for God's grace every morning to get through the day. It occurred to me that God had answered my prayers in ways I hadn't even realized.
I've learned to ask for help. And no, it's not important if help comes in ways you think you need it. It's the asking that is the key. Things may not work out how I think they need to but they will work out the way God needs them to work for me. Both my father and Heavenly Father have taught me that the results are not in my control, my obedience is.
I've been learning new ways to express my creativity. I am unable to hold a pencil for long periods to sketch. The lack of stability in my fine motor skills make it awkward to hold a brush. So, I've been learning to paint digitally. At least there when my hands don't work as they should I can just delete a brushstroke. Tonight it dawned on me that every effort I have made in this new art form have dealt with darkness and light.
The second Sunday of Lent I was blessed to hear the testimony of a wonderful man from Africa named Steven Lungu. Listening to his testimony and seeing the joy on his face was a testament to God's marvelous Grace. He shared that God used many disciplines in his life and that one was the discipline of darkness.
I had known God goes with us into the darkness to bring us light. God created both the darkness and the light when He created the world. Now I know God has used the darkness to bring me closer to Him. All the things I was focusing on this past year are not visible in the darkness. Looking for work, trying to figure out how I'm to spend this portion of my life, and every other concern is indistinguishable in the darkness. Even the pain which plunges me there can't be clearly seen. All you can do is look for the light. At times it seems so bright that it is almost blinding. Other times you can't tell where it is coming from. There have been days when I felt I was holding out my hand to see if it could catch any light so I could tell where it originated.
As I was sitting in the pew tonight I had a real awareness of how much of a blessing this time has been. When you have nothing but the Grace of God to cling to you know just how precious it is. So I'm thankful for my time here in the shadows, and grateful for the lessons I have learned. I still think of myself as clay God is molding to His design, but now think I need to be a glow in the dark variety to reflect His light.
Still learning,
jene'
2 comments:
Dear Jene',
I was going to drop you a note of encouragement to pass along to your brother. We have always admired him and still think he's great at what he does. So please do pass that along.
Once here, though, I read your last few posts. I am so sorry you are having to go through this time of trial. I haven't posted to my blog either lately because we've all been sick and my daughter is very depressed and homesick, and other things too. Being in the middle of trials, like you are now, I absolutely am sympatico with you.
I know a bit about the "not accepting help trait" myself. I think it's because you and I are both 'helper' type people. We give ourselves to helping others, but have a hard time accepting it.
A couple of things I'd like to share with you that we learned during our time of need with Zack. One, my dear life-long friend Karen McLean taught me. She had lost her husband to cancer and so had stood where we were now standing. Zack was ill, we knew it was cancer, he was 17 and we were so scared. She told me to be sure and let people know what we needed. Whether it be prayer or a physical/practical need, let other's in on it. She said that we are saved by faith not by works, but that we please God by following his teachings and loving one another. She said when you let another person help you with something, you are giving them the gift of being able to please their Lord by serving another person. You are helping them build up their treasure in heaven.
Another thing happened that I don't know if I'll be able to adequately describe, but I'll try. There was a time when Zack was getting sicker and people were bringing meals and helping in many ways. One moment I was driving up I-45 in The Woodlands and this realization hit me. God loves us so much that he wants us to be cared for even down to the tiniest detail, as you have shared. He does this through others on this Earth. Because it would be quite alarming, and probably not good for your blood pressure, He doesn't just show up at your door with a meatloaf. He sent Davy with the meatloaf. She listened to Him and obeyed. But that meal and love was from Him just as sure as if He had been standing there Himself. From Him to you, with absolute Love. What a gift. She sounds like an awesome person, and having people like that in my life too, I know her. This doesn't detract in any way what she did, it was still just the thing for the moment. Davy did a very important thing - she listened for that still, small voice. She listened and then she obeyed. That is a woman after God's heart as you are. You were an encourager to me and, even if I don't write often, I appreciate all the time what you told me about blogs and also that God had put you in that store for just that time and that you stepped out of a strictly salesperson type role and gave me what God had really sent me in there for that day - encouragement and information about how to get Zack's story out.
I hope this has helped in some small way. I will add you to my prayer list, which I swear I am going to actually write down soon, so I don't forget people. But I will be praying and checking back more frequently to see how God is using this time in your life, sucky as it has been, to make something you can not imagine at this moment. "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me"
Barbara in Australia
The picture turned out to be very pretty- you done good! Keep at it.
The passage was good, just needed to be KJV! ha!
-guess who?
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