Sanctuary

On Sundays I head to church to seek sanctuary. It's not the building, it's a state of mind and heart. I can find it while not in the building labeled as such.

Two women who sat behind me spent the entire service whispering to each other about everything from where to hit a good sale on shoes to why one of their acquaintances was unable to get a good man. I noticed from time to time others would turn and look pointedly at them but they never noticed.

As the service progressed I wanted to weep. They were in the presence of many people of faith, heard beautiful music and a sermon from the Word of God full of encouragement and comfort. Sanctuary was there all around them and they failed to see it. How monumentally dismal it is that they got up, got dressed and made the trip to the sanctuary only to never find it. It is overwhelming to think of all the people in the world who need to find God. I do not know words enough to express how disheartening it is to realize many are in the pew next to you.

Is there an end to this tunnel ?

I am doing my best not to feel persecuted but today it is difficult. I got a break from the early morning duty at the store. I can still handle the job but I am left feeling sore. My boss is working with me to find things for me to do that aren't quite so taxing.

I went to help a colleague move a trolley today. He had place some acrylic bins on the top and hadn't gotten them securely situated. I didn't know this until they tumbled down upon me with quite a good conk on my noggin. I teased him saying he would have to try harder if he wanted to kill me. I did not realize that the edge of one of the bins had made a small cut in my scalp. A customer was kind enough to point that out for me. It was very shallow and didn't bleed much. I did however have a headache for the morning.

I worked a little late to help out with a rush and then headed home for a quick dinner before going to another job tonight. A fun job of playing with my favorite Houston gals. I had noodles with cheese. Believe it or not I broke my tooth while eating. Now don't put too much stock in that as I have bad teeth to begin with. What is troubling me now is that if I give a big smile you can now see a gap. It's official, I have crossed the line to hillbilly. I'm doing my best to take a light hearted approach to the problem. After all, it is just vanity that has been dealt a blow, nothing life threatening.

Having vented my frustration I'll complain no more about it. I know things are rough now but I don't want to be one of those people everyone runs from so they don't have to listen to the whining.

Smiling with my mouth closed,

jene'

Discipline of Darkness

As I was sitting in the chapel tonight for Maundy Thursday service a myriad of thoughts wandered through my mind as I was meditating. I felt the memories of the past year come forward for review. I want to share them with you now.

On Wednesday we had the last session of Lent in the Living room. There were many great moments in the sessions and much support from the class members. The thing that made the biggest impact on me was when I was reading through one of the scripture passages. The difficulty of a rich person getting into heaven is in Matthew 19, and verse 26 hit me hard.

23 As he watched him go, Jesus told his disciples, "Do you have any idea how difficult it is for the rich to enter God's kingdom? 24 Let me tell you, it's easier to gallop a camel through a needless eye than for the rich to enter God's kingdom."

25 The disciples were staggered. "Then who has any chance at all?"

26 Jesus looked hard at them and said, "No chance at all if you think you can pull it off yourself. Every chance in the world if you trust God to do it."

-The Message

The moment I read that it was if I had never read that passage before. These past few months have been agony and I have relied on asking for God's grace every morning to get through the day. It occurred to me that God had answered my prayers in ways I hadn't even realized.

I've learned to ask for help. And no, it's not important if help comes in ways you think you need it. It's the asking that is the key. Things may not work out how I think they need to but they will work out the way God needs them to work for me. Both my father and Heavenly Father have taught me that the results are not in my control, my obedience is.

I've been learning new ways to express my creativity. I am unable to hold a pencil for long periods to sketch. The lack of stability in my fine motor skills make it awkward to hold a brush. So, I've been learning to paint digitally. At least there when my hands don't work as they should I can just delete a brushstroke. Tonight it dawned on me that every effort I have made in this new art form have dealt with darkness and light.

The second Sunday of Lent I was blessed to hear the testimony of a wonderful man from Africa named Steven Lungu. Listening to his testimony and seeing the joy on his face was a testament to God's marvelous Grace. He shared that God used many disciplines in his life and that one was the discipline of darkness.

I had known God goes with us into the darkness to bring us light. God created both the darkness and the light when He created the world. Now I know God has used the darkness to bring me closer to Him. All the things I was focusing on this past year are not visible in the darkness. Looking for work, trying to figure out how I'm to spend this portion of my life, and every other concern is indistinguishable in the darkness. Even the pain which plunges me there can't be clearly seen. All you can do is look for the light. At times it seems so bright that it is almost blinding. Other times you can't tell where it is coming from. There have been days when I felt I was holding out my hand to see if it could catch any light so I could tell where it originated.

As I was sitting in the pew tonight I had a real awareness of how much of a blessing this time has been. When you have nothing but the Grace of God to cling to you know just how precious it is. So I'm thankful for my time here in the shadows, and grateful for the lessons I have learned. I still think of myself as clay God is molding to His design, but now think I need to be a glow in the dark variety to reflect His light.

Still learning,

jene'

Doing the hard stuff

I know today will be a good day. I trust God to see me through it.

Last week I missed Lent in the Living Room. I came home and crashed and not even the roomie banging around the kitchen woke me up. I got a call after class from the Denisons. Davy had made me a meatloaf and wanted to drop it by. She is a sweetheart and a real gift from God. Actually both Davy and Jim are fantastic.

A friend of Sharon's had a monitor she gifted me with so now I can get back to some of my work. Having to change a little as I can no longer take the laptop to the clients, but very grateful to be using the computer at all.

We start a new schedule at work this week and my hours are fairly sparse. Even though this seems to be a detriment I have decided it's God's way of giving me more time to look for a full time job.

Now to the hard stuff. Today I asked for help. This was the task I took on for Lent so I asked God for strength and reached out to seek help from others. I don't know why this is so hard for me. I know beyond doubt the only way I make it through the day is by asking for God's help each morning. Why then is it so hard for me to accept or even ask help from others? I realize that even their help is due to God's mercy. I seem to be fine when it's just God and me, but seem to balk when it involves allowing God to use others to help me.

On that note I am headed out. Time for some serious prayer walking. History has shown it is the best way for me to clear my head and settle my heart. Fortunately I have learned to walk in a big circle. I once found myself about five miles from home and decided never to do that again.

Out of the Boat

If you plan on reading this entry find a comfy chair and get something to drink you are going to be here for quite a while.

As is readily apparent I haven't updated here in a very long time. I'm remedying that situation today and will explain my long and conspicuous absence from cyberspace. When I fell silent in November, I kept thinking the cause would go away and then I could get back to business as usual.

First you need a little background information. I have arthritis, have had it since I was a teenager. Every few years it likes to flare up and put me through agony for a few weeks before returning to it's regularly annoying spot in my life. This is what happened when I began my retreat from both cyber and real space.

When this side trip through agony began, I kept thinking if I just hung on it would be over soon and I could return to "normal" life, at least as normal as my life ever gets. I knew things were bad when my roommate did all the cooking for Thanksgiving dinner. Her cooking was great, the bad part was I wasn't able to help. I did provide guidance and instruction but that was the extent of my contribution to the dinner. I enjoy all the holiday fixings and really missed not being able to participate.

Work was going fast and furious, the holidays are really busy at our store. The holiday shopping season is pretty much a madhouse when you are working retail and at our store especially so. I was on the go all the time. In my job I am on my feet for my entire workday.

The next road sign I should have paid more attention to was my parents visit for Christmas. I was excited they were coming. We haven't been able to spend many holidays together of late. This was the first time they were coming to my house for Christmas in years. It was great having them with me as we went to services on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I hadn't done that with them since I was a child. Unfortunately I wasn't able to enjoy the time like I should. I was overcome with the desire to crawl into my mum's lap and stay there for the rest of my life. At that point I was hoping it would be a short time.

After Christmas we begin the busiest time of the year at work. It's our annual elfa sale. For those who don't know, elfa is a system used to organize and store anything and everything. We design closets, study space, laundry rooms, kitchens, garages and anywhere else you need space to store things. For this period I worked either as a designer or the elfa sales manager. Again this involves many hours of standing.

I lost track of time. I would go to work, come home and crash. I began going to bed early to be able to lay there long enough for sleep to finally find me. I was shutting my door so my roommate couldn't hear me weeping. When I eventually did find sleep it was fleeting and I would wake up crying in agony. It never registered with me that this had been going on for months instead of weeks. All I knew was I didn't know how much longer I would be able to bear it. It was worse than any of my previous experiences I had nerve problems and was losing some of my fine motor skills. Things got bad enough that I was forbidden to empty the dishwasher after I had dropped and broken several items.

I had gotten to the point where I came to an understanding of why people in chronic pain contemplate suicide. I could never end my life however I was asking God if He could.

It may have taken forever but I finally reached a breaking point the first week in February. I was at work and found myself designing a closet for a customer and inwardly chanting "don't cry, don't cry". I took a break and called a friend who is a great doctor. I had seen him in his home in January and knew I would need more than a kitchen consultation this time. He very graciously agreed to fit me into his busy schedule that afternoon. I got someone to cover for me at work and headed to the medical center.

Besides being a great doctor, John knows me well and knows how hard I struggle with asking for help. He has chided me on it in the past. His nurse came and took my vital signs while I was waiting in the exam room. She gave me a long hard look and I knew things might be worse than I had thought. 170/110 is not what you want to hear when someone is checking your blood pressure. Trying to wait for the madness to go away had caused real problems. Now I am having to deal with them.

I ended up taking 10 days away from work. I had already curtailed all of my other jobs. While this was not good for my already shaky financial life, it was needed for my physical and emotional life. As we were experimenting to find the right medicines needed, I was glad I had taken the time off when I found myself on the floor one afternoon.

I used the enforced stillness to contemplate where I needed to make changes in my life. I already had a couple of my steadfast prayer partners praying I would heed God's leading. I don't think He could have made it any clearer that I needed to be more willing to ask for help. Each year I seek God's help in finding what I should take on for Lent. I have found that to be more beneficial than finding something to give up. I decided I would spend the 40 days in Lent practicing asking for help when I needed it. I enlisted the help of my sisters and Mom by letting them know this was what I was going to do. They and a few close prayer partners have been my support system for many years. I most often put forth needs of a spiritual or emotional nature. I haven't often brought my physical needs to others in prayer. This is changing

Toward that end, God has given me ample opportunities to do so. I have some relief from the arthritis, but migraines are more prevalent than usual. I still need to find some sort of work I enjoy that isn't such a hardship on my health. The latest opportunity involves something more practical. The screen has gone out on my laptop. This is the most important tool in my freelance work. I have been asking around to find a spare monitor until a more permanent solution can be found. I am currently using my roommates monitor on my days off while she is at work.

God has been showing His phenomenal sense of timing and humor. To drive His point home further the pastor made it from the pulpit on Sunday. The Scripture we were studying was the passage in Matthew 14 where Jesus walks on the water. This passage has meant much to me in the past. There are several miracles in these verses. The Lord walking on water, Peter climbing out of the boat to do the same and the calming of the storm are usually the ones seen.

I feel that I live my life out of the boat in varying states of buoyancy upon the water. I learned about climbing out of the boat from my parents. When my dad retired from the Air Force he and mom told us we would be going to Okinawa Japan to serve on the mission field. This is surprising news at any time. It is even more so when the news comes while you are living in England. Picking up a family with four daughters and moving them around the world is not a task to be taken lightly. Add in the fact you must also raise financial support, don't speak the language and need to find a place to live and the task become gargantuan. It is one thing to study the Scripture and read of others walks of faith and obedience. It is quite another to see it happen before your very own eyes. I probably wouldn't venture anywhere near the water if it hadn't been for the wonderful example of my parents.

Doug brought one other item for consideration as a miracle that I had never thought of. He believes that Peter asking for help when he began to sink, was a miracle. He stated most of us find ourselves reluctant to ask for help. At this point in his sermon I was trying not to burst into laughter. It was no reflection upon him, but rather how God views His need to make His point with me. I must definitely be His most stubborn child because all of Grace Presbyterian church had to hear this sermon for me to get the message. It appears God will go to any lengths to make sure I get what I need. Never doubt that God cares for the individual.

I am also participating in the Lent in the Living Room classes at church. I have done so for several years and always find them to be a blessing. In my group is a couple I have been fortunate to find in previous study classes. Jim and Davy epitomize caring. I have yet to encounter them without them failing to ask how I am doing. Unlike most people who routinely ask and rarely listen, they genuinely care and truly listen. You know their concern is real and it touches you in a lovely way. I knew it would not be possible to spend the Lenten season seeing them on a regular basis and not find many chances to ask for help. Even last night when we were sharing prayer concerns I received a gentle nudge from Davy to ask for prayer for my health. I know if I had not spoken up she would have. There is no way to escape her compassion so it is just better to acquiesce.

Now you know the entire saga to my absence from this spot. I'll let you know how my progress at this latest lesson goes. Thanks to earlier lessons I know the key to change is not within myself but to submit myself to God. Only He can fashion a change in me, all I have to be is willing to let Him do so.

Thanks for your time in reading this. To those of you who have filled my inbox, thanks for your concern and prayers.

Endings and beginnings

Sunday was my pastor's last time in the pulpit as the head of my church staff. He is retiring. Don't confuse that with slowing down, he already has a full schedule ahead of him. When I was considering joining Grace Presbyterian several years ago, I was a little put off by the size of the church. I didn't think I would find a home in a church so large. What I found was a big church that feels small. My pastor has always had time for me and taken an interest in my needs. All of the ministers on the staff do so. I am thankful I got the time to sit and study under Dave McKechnie. He was truly a God-send during some of the difficult and joyous moments of my life.

Yesterday was the beginning of the NATIONAL NOVEL WRITING MONTH . I have participated in this exercise in insanity. I enjoy it each time. Unfortunately yesterday kind of got away from me with extra work and the beginnings of my second cold in 28 days. Today has also run away from me. Feeling worse than yesterday was the start and then heading across my room and finding myself standing in water. Never a good thing if your room is carpeted. Repairs will have to be done later to the shower, for now there's a temp fix. That means only baths for the next 24 hours. I have a fan blowing across the floor to dry things out and I'm going to write tonight no matter what else falls apart. I'm already behind. To write 50,000 words in a month you need to do 1,666 every day. So be kind when my blogging is short for this month. Thanks.

Follow your heart

Today I went to vote and traveled through a virtual mine field to what I thought was important

I didn't vote for an at-large city council post because I didn't like any of the candidates. There wasn't even the option of a lesser evil as I thought they were all equally awful.

Some of the propositions were hard to understand and didn't grab my interest. The one I felt strongly about is the one I made sure to make my voice heard. I think the people who are in favor of Proposition 2 see things a little differently than I do. I think it will cause more problems than it will solve. There are many reasons why I voted against it. One being that I think the government is already too involved in our personal lives. While those in power now see marriage as I do, those who come after them may have a different view. I wouldn't like to then be hemmed in by views opposite to mine. People have been getting married for years just fine without benefit of formal recognition in the constitution. I think they will still be able so to do.

I am certain my comments today will generate a full inbox in my e-mail. Please remember I did what I thought I should do after much prayer when you write to let me know of your disagreement. Thanks.

Proposition 2

I have received several e-mails in this past week concerning this item which will be on the ballot. In several of them there is wording which makes me very uncomfortable. In speaking of the side which opposes this amendment they indicate the opposition will be illegally influencing the election.

" In one of their organizational meetings in San Antonio, the plan was disclosed to have people from other states come to Texas to register to vote 30 days before the election to defraud this election. There is no residency requirement to register to vote in Texas -- you can register the day you move here" -excerpted from the e-mail sent to me.

If they want to bus people in to vote 30 days before the election it may be distasteful but I don't see any fraud. It's not fraud when you take advantage of a hopelessly flawed system. It's just sneaky.

My objection to the e-mail was the source. Each time I received it from someone calling themselves Christian. I believe it is uncharitable to accuse someone of wrong doing just because you don't agree with their views. If this tactic could put forth your political agenda would you abandon it? Can't blame them for getting the system to work for them just because we don't like the outcome.

If you live here, make the effort to get to the polls and let your voice be heard.

Comfort

O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.

Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.

Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.

For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether.

Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.

Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?

If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.

If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;

Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.

Psalm 139 : 1-10 King James Version

There is beauty found in the language of the King James Version. This passage has been on my mind much of late. While my life has lacked stability, it is comforting to know that God is a constant.

I have been contemplating what to do about my working life. I really don't have the time or money to give designs by jene' all my attention. I must work other jobs to pay the bills. It's a viscious vindictive circle that has no end.

To attempt to get off this crazy merry-go-round I have been doing serious soul searching. I enjoy most of the jobs I do. I need to find a way to do what I love, pay the bills, and find time for my creativity to flourish. I have been considering spending more time on one job I love. Unfortunately situations have arisen that seem to make it untenable. What should have worked out hasn't. I've been wondering why that is so.

An opportunity presented itself a couple of months ago. I came home and spent much time in prayer asking for God's guidance. I was going to sit down with someone in the company to discuss the job. I was asked to do this and looked forward to doing so. Sadly, I got bumped off the schedule twice. While still waiting for the chance to meet I found it had been perceived that I did not want the job. It seems that everything that could interfere has. This makes me believe God has kept me in His hand and is directing my steps elsewhere. Now I just have to figure out where that is.

In the midst of all this hoopla I am tired and confused. But I am certain that God is with me and I find great comfort in that.

Disappointment

This started out as a great week. Lots of work scheduled, good for the cash flow which more closely resembles a trickle. A good friend coming for the weekend was the perfect ending.

What actually occurred was less than spectacular. I started feeling a little off as the week wore on. I thought it was allergies. I was working at the store the day we had a window to shatter and we were open to the elements all day. Thursday night I had trouble sleeping with coughing and congestion keeping me awake. By Friday morning I had added fever, raspy voice and a sore throat to the collection. I came home from work early and added in a migraine and the monthly joys of womanhood. By the time the long awaited friend made it into town Friday night I could do little more than whisper hello.

He and Sharon headed out for a late dinner and I headed to bed. I vaguely remember hearing them come in but little else. That night was devoted to more uncomfortable periods of trying to sleep. I didn't want to take anything that would impair me from getting up to go to work in the morning. Somewhere in the early hours I completely lost my voice.

I trudged off to work that morning feeling like death would be a good alternative. Now not even I am irreplaceable but I feel obligated to make sure the opening work is done at the store on my days to do so. I headed in to get those tasks accomplished but was not staying to work the floor. It's hard to give good service when you feel like crap and can't talk.

I came home to find everyone still asleep here. I took all the allowable medication I could get my hands on and crashed. Evidently when suitably drugged I can sleep through anything. I never heard any conversations, showers being taken, laundry being done or them leaving the house.

They came home to check on me before they went out for Chinese. I had risen to get something to eat and was munching a sandwich in bed. I still couldn't speak so we resorted to sign language and writing notes. I made sure to gargle each time I was awake in an effort to find my voice. It was silly to have a dear friend visiting and not be able to say a thing to him. Sharon woke me up when they got back so I could say goodbye to Nestor. Well, I could at least mime it. Wished I could have spent some time with him. He's great fun to be with.

Spent today resting and continuing to gargle so I don't lose this altered voice I have gotten back. I surprised both myself and Sharon when I tried to tell her something and sound came out.

Back to work tomorrow thankfully in the evening. Hope your week was not as much of a let down as mine was.

On a brighter note there was some great news this week. The newest addition to our family is going to be a new nephew for me. My sister found out this week and let us all know. I can say that was the best moment of the week for me.