You didn't help me much today

It's been a weird week. I hate having a summer cold. They are intolerable. Here it is the hottest part of the year and you find yourself suffering a fever. I spent one day this week without a voice. While that might have been a blessing to those around me, it wasn't the same for me.

Last night was spent playing with my favorite gals. We made pretzels, played the piano and watched old Goofy cartoons.

As usual prayer time is always a learning experience; mostly for me. I told Meredith that prayer was talking to God, just like we would talk to any other friend. She gave it a try and thanked God for the day and all the fun she had.

As I was kneeling with Sara I told her I had been talking with her sisters about prayer and how much it can help us. She said " I know, I pray at lunch and dinner and even before I go to bed." I told her that was great. I explained that I start each day with prayer to help get my day off to a good start. She thought it over for a while and said " I might do that too, it would make my days so much better."

The most difficult part of my time with the girls is not bursting into laughter as Julia prays. She is a straight from the heart kind of gal. Last night was no exception. After thanking God for pretzels and people she loves she asked for God's help. She said "Please help me to be a good girl tomorrow, you didn't help me much today." I explained that God does help us but he expects us to do our part as well.

Glad God gives me little girls to learn from,

jene'

Discipline of Darkness

As I was sitting in the chapel tonight for Maundy Thursday service a myriad of thoughts wandered through my mind as I was meditating. I felt the memories of the past year come forward for review. I want to share them with you now.

On Wednesday we had the last session of Lent in the Living room. There were many great moments in the sessions and much support from the class members. The thing that made the biggest impact on me was when I was reading through one of the scripture passages. The difficulty of a rich person getting into heaven is in Matthew 19, and verse 26 hit me hard.

23 As he watched him go, Jesus told his disciples, "Do you have any idea how difficult it is for the rich to enter God's kingdom? 24 Let me tell you, it's easier to gallop a camel through a needless eye than for the rich to enter God's kingdom."

25 The disciples were staggered. "Then who has any chance at all?"

26 Jesus looked hard at them and said, "No chance at all if you think you can pull it off yourself. Every chance in the world if you trust God to do it."

-The Message

The moment I read that it was if I had never read that passage before. These past few months have been agony and I have relied on asking for God's grace every morning to get through the day. It occurred to me that God had answered my prayers in ways I hadn't even realized.

I've learned to ask for help. And no, it's not important if help comes in ways you think you need it. It's the asking that is the key. Things may not work out how I think they need to but they will work out the way God needs them to work for me. Both my father and Heavenly Father have taught me that the results are not in my control, my obedience is.

I've been learning new ways to express my creativity. I am unable to hold a pencil for long periods to sketch. The lack of stability in my fine motor skills make it awkward to hold a brush. So, I've been learning to paint digitally. At least there when my hands don't work as they should I can just delete a brushstroke. Tonight it dawned on me that every effort I have made in this new art form have dealt with darkness and light.

The second Sunday of Lent I was blessed to hear the testimony of a wonderful man from Africa named Steven Lungu. Listening to his testimony and seeing the joy on his face was a testament to God's marvelous Grace. He shared that God used many disciplines in his life and that one was the discipline of darkness.

I had known God goes with us into the darkness to bring us light. God created both the darkness and the light when He created the world. Now I know God has used the darkness to bring me closer to Him. All the things I was focusing on this past year are not visible in the darkness. Looking for work, trying to figure out how I'm to spend this portion of my life, and every other concern is indistinguishable in the darkness. Even the pain which plunges me there can't be clearly seen. All you can do is look for the light. At times it seems so bright that it is almost blinding. Other times you can't tell where it is coming from. There have been days when I felt I was holding out my hand to see if it could catch any light so I could tell where it originated.

As I was sitting in the pew tonight I had a real awareness of how much of a blessing this time has been. When you have nothing but the Grace of God to cling to you know just how precious it is. So I'm thankful for my time here in the shadows, and grateful for the lessons I have learned. I still think of myself as clay God is molding to His design, but now think I need to be a glow in the dark variety to reflect His light.

Still learning,

jene'